This is my FIRST TIME BABYSITTING. Names Changed to Protect the Innocent.

When two of my friends told me they would be having a baby. I was very excited for them. I was also excited that maybe they would let me babysit him. I really wanted to do this because I had never taken care of a baby or child still in diapers and I wanted to learn how to do it and deal with it. I mentioned that I would like to help if they needed me. They took my request into favorable advisement.

Well after their son (Johnny) was born (about 6 months later) one of my friends (Jennifer) called me about babysitting her son. She said that they were attending baptism classes at their nearby church. They had a regular baby sitter but for some reason she couldn’t make it at the last minute. She asked if i could come take care of Johnny while they were in class. It would only be for 30-40 minutes.

When I got over there David feed me some dinner and gave me the basic rundown then Jennifer came downstairs and they both gave me a crash course in diaper changing.
 
Johnny was asleep upstairs, they left and I sat downstairs with the baby monitor and did some work. After about 15-20 minutes he started crying.
 
So I went upstairs and picked him up. I think as soon as he saw that I was not one of them he started crying even more. So I took him downstairs and tried to give him his bottle. He pushed it away then started squirming like crazy and crying more and more. I tried putting him in his play chair. He would play a bit then cry then play. When he would play and was looking away from me he would stop crying. But as soon as he saw me again the crying kicked into full gear. He started screaming pretty much no stop. I talked to him and sang to him then I walked him around the house and all this went on for another 10 – 15 minutes. Then as he started screaming even louder I realized that he seemed more uncomfortable (he had an expression of discomfort on his face) so then I decided it might be diaper time.
 
I smelled him and decided that was part of the problem. I took him back to the floor in their den with the changing mat down, a diaper and some wipes.
 
At this point what I didn’t know (they forgot to tell me until after) was that he had been very constipated for a couple days and so hadn’t gone in a couple days….
 
He was no longer constipated …
 
I took off his diaper and it was absolutely FULL of shit …
 
I have a really strong gag reflex and wasn’t quite prepared for the smell though I figured it would be bad…
 
I started to gag and cough while trying to hold him up and get the diaper away from him. He is strong and was squirming really hard and screaming … Poop was starting to fly off him.
 
I tried to get him up quick enough but I didn’t and so he got shit all over himself and all over the changing mat. I was holding him up trying to keep him off the mat and grab wipes to clean him. I think the box of wipes was new so they were tightly packed. I couldn’t pull them out with one hand, I was struggling. I could only get them out by getting a big wad. This meant I was wiping him not with a single open wipe but a big bunched up group of wipes. This was not very efficient. The wad did not wipe very well.
 
Eventually, I got him cleaned off but I couldn’t put his onesie back on cause it had shit on it. Then he was clean but he was struggling and I couldn’t seem to get the diaper to stay. Eventually I did but then he didn’t have any other clothes on. I took him into the living room because the area around the mat was a bit of a mess with the shitty diaper and thousands of used wipes. …
 
Just as I got to the living room David and Jennifer walked in (he still hadn’t stopped crying though it was better) ..
 
I was EXHAUSTED!!! All I could say was, “Please Help!”
 
I wish that someone had been there with a video tape. I am sure it was really funny.
 
It was a good experience though. and I never got upset or frustrated…. it was crazy and hysterical! Surreal!
 
I told them I would do it again.  

The funny thing also is that after all that Johnny just laughed and smiled at me and with me!

From Baby Mama

We had not been dating that long when this happened, and he told me the story via chat.  I was laughing so hard I was crying.  I also knew that any guy that would laugh about this AND say he would do it again was a keeper!  And a great “Daddy” for a plastic doll I won via social media.

OK, so this update is a little late but things have been quite busy since my arrival.  I was shipped across the country is a very hot UPS truck. On the truck next to a 20 lb. box of pepperidge farm sausage and cheese logs. I packed my knife from cockfighting and was able to punch a hold my box and steal some cheese. Oh how much I love cheese. I was wrapped up pretty tightly in a COCOon of bubble wrap and peanuts.

Fun with the Cats!

We’ve saved the packaging because it’s a great way to torment cats. As always, don’t try this at home!

Speaking of cats, I’ve taught this cat 2 of my favorite things: hiccuping and farting. Enjoy.

Ready for AB's Arrival!

Thanks for all the love you have shown to me as Asian Baby’s new Mama.  Except for the 20 or so people that unfanned the I Like Steven Ho page, I’ve been overwhelmed with the love.  I realize that I now am just the caretaker but this baby still belongs to Team Conan. 

So while AB is traveling, here’s a little bit about me. I hope you’ll agree he is going to a good home.

I love wacky and tacky things, Conan O’Brien and Social Media. I’ve been posting weird stuff online since 1997 so I guess it totally makes sense that my name got picked from fans on a Facebook page and then posted on a video on YouTube.  If I were on the Lost island, my storyline would be one of fate.

I’m pretty amazed and delighted that my name got picked.  I’ve had a lot of cool stuff happen to me, but this really ranks pretty highly, and I know the adventure has just begun.

I’m 37 years old and childless.  I’ve thought about having a child one day, but have been way to busy running my business to have a child.  As a teenage, I missed the Home Ec course that required students to carry around a flour sack baby. I’m not exactly sure what to DO with a baby, so now is my chance to learn.  I have a highly indestructible baby and my brain is buzzing with all the places I can take him.  This way, if I ever have a real one, I discover bad ideas, safely. 

Is it OK to strap  a baby onto my brother’s motorcycle for a day in the country?  I can find out with AB because if he’s survived indoor fireworks, he’s tough!  I have made a mental note NOT to put him in the dishwasher.  Thanks for the heads up! Even though I would have used the top rack, I’ll figure out another way to clean him off. Please share any other baby-no-nos in the comments!

I’ve spent the last day building a way for AB to keep in touch with everyone so I’ve setup Facebook, Twitter & YouTube and this blog. I’ve also informed the majority of my family and they are EXTREMELY excited.

My Mom is very excited about her first grandchild.  After realizing the annoucement video wasn’t some trick that I inserted my name into, she got to work preparing for his arrival. I visited her house and found the “It’s a Boy!” balloon for AB.  She was so excited that she forgot to buy a balloon for my Great Aunt.  She turned 90 today and we had a party. She was watching the video on my iPhone while I explained he was coming.  My cousins are concerned about the lack of air holes in the box, and can’t wait to meet AB at the next family gathering.  My 93-year-old grandmother in crocheting a hat for his little bald head and is telling her friends at her retirement community.  I even have a Baby Daddy picked out, as I have a feeling this little guy is going to need some extra supervision. 

I will need help with as many Godparents as I can get… I’ll post an update about it tomorrow!

Love,
Virtuallinda the AB Mama

PS- Thank you Steven, Mike, Suzanne and Aaron for my new fake child and Coco stuff!!